How to Marry a Billionaire: A Gotham Girl's Guide to Finding Mr. Right Now
By Arlene Pon (a_pon@juno.com)

***

/1. Set your sights

>Don't be too picky. Remember, looks aren't everything, although it helps if 
he's a hunk. Net worth is what it's all about./

Sheila opened up the Gazette and checked out the Who's Who section of the 
paper: the Society page. Yet again, Bruce Wayne was listed as the most 
eligible bachelor. Target chosen.

/2. Catching his eye

>Don't be too obvious. Jumping up and down and waving your hands makes you 
look like an obsessed fangirl. Think of an emergency that only he can help 
you out of. Men love playing the macho hero. At the same time, look and act 
calm, cool, collected. Men don't like girls who panic. Remember, a trophy 
wife must always maintain appearances./

Candi peeked around the corner and saw him approach. Hitching her skirt a bit 
higher and undoing one more button on her top, she counted down. Holding her 
cup of coffee in front of her, she stepped out.

"Oof! Omigosh!"

"Wha--? Oh, I'm terribly sorry! I didn't see you there!"

"My blouse! My skirt!"

"I-I'm really sorry. Here's a handkerchief. Geez, I feel just awful about 
this."

"It'll have to be dry-cleaned. Oh shoot! And I'm already running late!"

"Is there anything I can do? I mean, just send me the dry-cleaning bill."

/3. Introductions

>Let it come naturally. After coming through a crisis, people feel more 
intimate towards one another. If the introduction doesn't happen right away, 
force it./

"Uh well, that's very kind of you Mister...?"

"Bruce Wayne. Well, call me Bruce. I mean, after all, I *did* bump into you, 
Miss...?"

"Ava Rice. Since we're going by first names, just Ava. I'd shake your hand, 
but, well, you know."

"Again, Miss Rice, I mean, Ava, is there anything I can do?"

"That's really nice of you, but offering to pay the bill is enough. I'd 
probably better go home and change."

"You mentioned you're running late. Can I help you somehow?"

"Uh, well, would it be too forward if I asked you for a lift back to my 
place? I don't usually ask people I've just met for rides, but--"

"Sure! No problem at all. My car's not too far from here."

"Wow, nice car! You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, I don't 
want to ruin the upholstery or make your whole car smell like coffee."

"Please don't worry about that. It can be cleaned. At worst, if the stain 
won't come out, I'll just get another car. Heh."

"Hee! Oh, you're so funny, Bruce!"

/4. Getting to know him

>Find about his interests and what makes him tick. Shared interests bring 
people together. If you don't share any interests at all, fake it./

Tiffany sighed as the car came to a stop. The ride was too short.

"Well, this is me. Did you want to come up for a moment? Oh, I'm sorry, 
you've probably got things you need to do...?"

"Actually, I'm on a lunch break, and I don't have to get back until two."

"You were on your way to lunch? Funny, so was I. I'm so sorry to keep you so 
long. Maybe I can whip something up for the both of us?"

"That's really not necessary--"

"Oh, but I insist. After all, you went through all the trouble of getting me 
home, it's the least I can do. Just have a seat and let me see what I've got 
in the fridge. So, how about those Knights?"

/5. The proposal

>Don't be too eager; make it seem like his idea. You can plant the thought in 
his head, but remember, men are skittish when it comes to commitment. Gently 
push your man towards marriage./

Janet casually reached for her wine.

"So, Bruce, you ever thought about the future? You know, where you'd be, 
who'd be with...?"

"No, not often. I'm pretty busy, and I haven't put much thought into that far 
in the future."

"Oh really? What about having a family? You know what they say. 'No man is an 
island.'"

"I have a family, of a sort. It's rather complicated."

/6. If at first you don't succeed...

>Find the heir. Sometimes if you're lucky, h/

Barbara felt the breeze coming through the just-opened window, but she didn't 
pause in her typing. She addressed her guest without turning around. "What do 
you want?"

Batman grated out, "Why are you doing this to me?" 

She dropped her hands from her keyboard and whirled around to face him. A 
lesser man would've taken a step back at her glare. The Batman merely tensed. 
"Why? Why? You, of all people, have the gall to ask me *why?*"

"I already apologized and said that I'd pay for the damages." The gravelly 
voice had a slightly whiny quality to it now. "You can't still be mad?"

"My coffeemaker, Bruce! You touched my frigging coffeemaker! And you broke 
it! Do you know how long it took me to season it just the way I like it?!"

For a fleeting moment, Bruce thought about salt and pepper. It didn't make 
sense. Oh, *that* kind of seasoning. "Look, if it makes you feel any better, 
you can borrow my coffeemaker."

She snorted. "Like you could handle that! I saw what you did to the Manor 
after your *coffeemaker* was helping Tim at Brentwood. Far be it for me to 
make you suffer *that* much."

"Do you how many women I've 'met' thanks to you? I don't know how many 
gallons of coffee I've spilled."

"Spilled coffee. How very appropriate."

"All right, fine, I understand the point already. How about if I ask Harold 
to create a coffeemaker to your exact specifications?"

"Well..."

"Complete with a voice activation feature."

"Okay then. I'll get the publishing company to stop printing the book, even 
if it *is* number one on the Gotham Times' bestseller list."

"And no sequels."

"You're no fun, Bruce." She sighed. "Fine, fine, no sequels."

He glanced at the last line she'd typed. "What've you got against Dick?"

She narrowed her eyes dangerously. "He left the toilet seat up."

"Ah."

***

She closed the book and tapped it against her chin thoughtfully. Maybe she 
should stop off for a cup of coffee. She planned her outfit carefully. While 
applying just the right shade of lipstick, Talia reached for her cell phone 
to reserve a seat on the next flight to Gotham.

End