Happy Robin Month, Everyone!

Disclaimer:  All characters are property of DC Comics.  Even Perky.  Nuts.

***

It All Works Out in the End: A Story Starring Robin's Rear End
by Anonymous

***

"OWWWOWWWOWWWOWWWW!"

"I didn't know he could make that noise..."

"OWWWWOWW!"

"Nice shot, A."

"I didn't mean it!"

"OWWOWWSOMEBODYGETITOwwwUT!!!"

"Ummm... I'm not touching it."

"You do it, Supes!  That tactile telekinesis has ta be good for sumthin'!"

"I think he's prefer if one of the girls got it out.  I don't think he 
swings that way."

"I think someone with gloves should do it."

"We're all wearing gloves."

"I'M NOT!"

"Me neither!"

"I don't care who's wearing gloves, somebody GET IT OUT!"

"Impy, maybe if you pull it really fast it won't hurt."

*whimper*

***

It was supposed to be the perfect week.

My first week of summer vacation.

I'd skidded through my first semester at Brentwood with, well, marks good 
enough that they were letting me come back.  Probably could have done better 
if I had spent my evenings studying with Ali instead of fighting the forces 
of evil, but hey, we've all got priorities.

Anyway, the week before I arrived home, Dad announced that he and Dana were 
going on a vacation.  In Europe.

I was totally psyched up to immerse myself in a whole week of sidekicking.

Then Alfred told me that Bruce was going on a business trip and would be 
scaring the poop out of bad guys in Keystone City until Friday.

Which, while it was a minor downer, was not a total disappointment.  There 
is always excitement to be had in the life of this Boy Wonder.  A few phone 
calls later, and my week was crammed with green tights and bang-a-rangs.

Monday was something of Young Justice reunion-- all of us had promised to 
be there.  I hadn't seen them in... well, long enough that hanging with Bart 
Allen still seemed like a fun idea.

	Tuesday, I was spending the night with Dick.  I think Dick's always wanted 
his own sidekick, so he tries to bum me off Bruce whenever he thinks he can 
get away with it.

Wednesday, I promised Oracle I'd help her fix up her mainframe a little.  
After what Blockbuster and his guys did to it... grr.  Just grr.
Steph had laid claim on Thursday.  I wasn't quite sure what she had in mind, 
since her mom had confiscated all her Spoiler stuff, but I wasn't 
complaining.

And Friday, it was back to the traditional gig, sidekicking with the best.  
I wanted to impress Bruce with some of the little tricks I'd cooked up at 
school.  Not that I have ever managed to impress Bruce, but it's always fun 
to try.

Well, Monday went as planned.

***

"Cis, is that thing sanitary?  Do we have any Bactine?"

"Shoot, does anyone know where R.T. is?  He's *not* gonna like this."

"Oh, my.  I didn't know a wound there would... bleed so much..."

I sniffed, trying to keep tears from spilling, even though my eyes were 
burning like one of those forest fires Smokey the Bear is always warning us 
about.  "WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST YANK THE ARROW OUT OF MY REAR END?"

And then everyone went silent.

I knew what that meant.  And it wasn't good.

I had never known how much an arrow in the tuckus would hurt.

How was I to know *how much more* it would hurt to come out?

I admit it.  I screamed.  I even admit that it was a girly scream.  But I'd 
also like to note that neither Kon nor Bart ever mentioned it again.

Slowly, through the haze of pain, Red Tornado's face swam into view.  He 
was thumping Cis' bloody arrow into one palm.  "What happened here?"

Normally, this was my area.  Trying to embellish the lame excuses for the 
things we do.  But I hurt.  So the best I could come up with was, "My butt 
hurts."

R.T. straightened up, and regarded my so-called teammates.  "What happened 
here?"

"Well, we were running a training exercise," Arrowette started lamely.

"And she was shooting at me, since her arrows can't hurt me," Cassie broke 
in, trying to defend her friend.

"And Impulse was chasing me around the room," Kon put in, trying to defend 
Cassie.

"And Cissie got in my way," Bart frowned, trying to defend Bart.

"And he knocked Arrowette's aim off, and she hit Robin the ass," Secret 
announced brightly.

I just groaned.

***

I have to admit that the next few hours weren't too bad.  Cissie felt 
horrible about nailing me, so she and the other girls propped me on my 
stomach on this disgusting old couch Bart had dragged into the cave, and 
kept me supplied with Zesti and good company the rest of the evening.

But the next thing I knew, it was eight a.m., and I felt Bart poking me.

"Whu--" I managed, removing my face from my pillow.

"Nightwing's here."

I blinked at him.  Oh, crap.

"Already?"

"Yup.  He's been waiting a whole six seconds."

Well, la dee da.  I managed to stumble off the couch, my rear howling in 
protest.

"Are you okay to move, dude?" Impulse asked, cocking one eyebrow.

"I am fine," I grunted.  "Good as new.  Never been better.  Now hand me my 
bag, I can't bend over."

***

As I stepped outside, into the way-too-bright sunshine, I realized my 
mistake.

Dick had brought his car.

And it was an hour's ride to Bludhaven.

Sitting.

Without Dick finding out.

I blinked.  There was Dick's car, all right.  But where was Dick?

"GOTCHA!"

Fortunately, I was carrying my bo, and managed to block the flying escrima 
sticks before Big Bro' took my head off.  Which set off whole new horizons 
of pain in my backside.  I spun around, half blocking his blows, half 
jumping around in agony.

Finally, Dick sheathed his sticks dramatically, and stood up straight.

"Nice moves, Boy Wonder.  Been on another training trip?  Which old fart 
did you learn that one from?"

"That?  That was... uh... from some gladiator," I lied.  "Gluteus 
oucheous," I added under my breath.

"Huh.  No kiddin'.  Well, ready to hit the road?"

"Er, about that..."

"What?  You don't want to come down to 'Haven, and hang with the Wingster?"

I hate when Dick refers to himself as "the Wingster."  It makes him sound 
like a fast food mascot.

"Actually, I, uh...  have you seen the Redboard?"

Dick cocked an eyebrow.  "The what?"

"The Redboard!  It's really cool!"  I whipped it out of my backpack.  
"See?"

"Great Scott, McFly!  I haven't seen one of those since Donna Troy was in 
training bras!"

I pretended I didn't hear that.  "Anyway, I thought it would be cool if I 
tied a batarang to your rear bumper, and you could drag me on the 'board."

Dick blinked.  "In what way would that be 'cool'?"

In that I could stand while doing it.  "Because babes dig that stuff."

"I see.  No."

"Dick!"

"No can do, Boy Wonder.  As an upright member of a law-enforcement agency, 
I cannot place a minor (such as yourself) in such a situation in which you 
would be getting girls, and not me.  Sorry."

Then, I did something I'm ashamed of.  I made puppy eyes.

"What are you-- stop that!  STOP IT!"

And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those pesky 
kids and their meddling speedster.

"HeyRob,youforgotyourBactine,you'regonnagetinfectedifya--"

Bart waved my Bactine tantalizingly.

"Whoa, Ciss, lookit that!  He's doing puppy eyes!"

"I didn't know he could do that... the Boy Wonder *does* have a 
superpower!"

"Yowtch, Rob, I just lost a whole ton of respect for you.  Can I be the 
leader, now?"

"NO, KON."

"Bac...tine...?" Nightwing echoed.  He gave me the Look.  The 
You-Ate-All-of-Alfred's-Pecan-Cookies-and-Boy-Are-You-Gonna-Get-It Look.  
The You-Were-Responsible-for-the-Itching-Powder-In-the-Bat-Trunks-Weren't-You-
Tim? 
Look.  And yes, even the Gee-Tim-Why-Have-All-of-Oracle's-High-DXBall-Scores-
Changed-to-BoyWonderIII? Look.  "Does Robin have a boo-boo?"

The members of Young Justice looked at one another.  And then they all 
started laughing hysterically.

"Rob got--"

"--and Bart knocked me over--"

"--Boy, was Reddy ever steamed!"

"--and Arrowette shot him in the ass!"

Dick blinked.  He looked at me.  He looked at Cissie, who was turning 
rather pink.  He looked back at me.  Then, he, too, started laughing 
hysterically.

***

"Are you *sure* you want to do this?" Dick asked, scratching his head.  "I 
mean, I love my ass.  I really love it.  If something happened to it, you 
can rest assured, I would totally be in bed, and furthermore, there would be 
a beautiful woman fawning over me."

"Yeah, but I'm not into Dr. Leslie and your nasty geriatric fantasies."

"Suit yourself.  Hey, movement below.  You aren't going to screw up and 
bellow for help, are you?"

"No."

"Good.  Because I'm not coming.  See ya at the bottom!"

Dick leapt off the building and into the darkness.

I stared hesitantly over the edge.  I hadn't tried the decel line yet.  It 
could be... painful.

In a strange twist of fate, I never had to.  Not necessarily as *good* 
twist of fate... just a strange one.

"Soo, thought you'd sneak up on the boss, eh, buckaroo?"

I turned around to see a guy the size of a house heading towards me.  
Wearing a cowboy hat that would put Roy Rogers to shame, no less.

"Did you just call me buckaroo?"

He grinned, and I realized I was dealing with a special kind of idiocy.  
The Sidekick with a Gimmick.

"They call me Stallion," he sneered.

"Who does?"

"Who does what?"

"You said 'they call me Stallion.'  Who calls you Stallion?"

He blinked.  "You know.  Them."

"No, I really don't."

"Does it matter?"

"Well, yeah.  If the ladies call you Stallion, then I'm forced to respect 
you.  If guys call you Stallion... well then, I just don't know what that 
implies."

Then he just started growling, and stomping his foot like a bull.  Must be 
the red costume.  Anyway, as he charged me, I managed to leap out of the 
way, landing a good thwack on the back of his knee with my bo as he stumbled 
by.

And then he kinda fell to the rooftop, writhing around a lot and whining 
about his knee.

"Aw, c'mon, I didn't hit you that hard!" I teased.

And then the badness happened.

In all his flailing around, one of his ridiculously pointy cowboy boots 
caught my ankle, and next thing I knew, I was landing hard on the rooftop.  
On my butt.

The next ten minutes or so were pretty embarrassing.  Then Nightwing showed 
up, kicked Stallion in the knee again, and dragged me home.  And that was 
the end of my night fighting crime in Bludhaven.

***

"No, you're pooky..."

"You're pooky..."

"No, no--"

I glared at them.

"Um, you can go in and put your things down," Oracle suggested with a 
cheesy grin.

"Thanks," I replied, dryly.  Honestly, Dick and Barbara were getting 
downright annoying.

Walking as naturally as possible, I tossed my duffel bag in Babs' computer 
room, and started poking around her equipment.  I had a feeling we were 
going to be up all night.

Suddenly, I was aware of a presence behind me.  I spun, and grabbed for my 
bo, which was, naturally, in the duffel bag.

Sitting in the window, looking for all the world like a small, female 
Bruce, sat Batgirl.  Great.

"Ummm... hi," I said as politely as possible.

She didn't reply, but crawled into the room, and sat down on the 
windowsill.  I tried to ignore her, and went back to messing with the 
computer.

Next thing I knew, she was two inches away from my posterior, *staring* at 
it.

"Hey!" I snapped.  "Do you mind?"

She cocked her head to the side for a moment, then gripped something 
imaginary in front of her, and spit out a remarkable accurate machine gun 
noise.

I, personally, jumped about three feet in the air.  Then I realized what 
she was getting at.

"No, I didn't get shot in the butt," I snorted.  Great.  She could tell I 
was injured.  I just hoped she wouldn't pass it on to Babs.  I'd already 
sworn Dick to secrecy.  If Babs found out...

She cocked her head again, then whipped out an invisible dagger and made 
some slashing motions.

"I didn't get stabbed, either," I replied moodily.

She put her cupped hand up to her mouth, tore away something with her 
teeth, and tossed the object.

"Not a grenade."

"Not a motorcycle accident."

"Didn't get frozen by Mr. Freeze."

"Nope, no strange injections."

"Uh-uh, not a kung-fu master."

"NO!  It certainly wasn't THAT!"

She tapped her finger on her chin, then I could practically see the light 
bulb ignite above her head.  She squinted, and drew back one arm, notching 
an imaginary arrow.

I groaned.  "Yes.  I got nailed with an arrow.  Are you happy now?"

She tittered with silent laughter.

I just scowled.  "Look, Barbara doesn't know, got it?  And I'd appreciate 
it if you kept it that way."

She stood there for a moment, then thrust out her open hand.

I blinked.

"You want a BRIBE?"

She nodded.

I reached for my wallet, then she shook her head disgustedly.

What would she want?  I glanced around the room.  Just computer stuff and 
Babs' Power Bars.  Ugh, Babs and her health food.... Of course!

I grabbed my duffel bag, and rummaged around for a moment before coming out 
with a Snickers bar.

Even behind the mask, her face lit up.  Naturally, Babs wouldn't let her 
little roomie have anything good.  I tossed her the chocolate, and she mimed 
zipping her lips.  I chuckled, and I think she laughed, too.

Suddenly, there was the creak of wheels on the floorboards, and the candy 
bar disappeared into her utility belt somewhere.  I made a mental note to 
add a "candy pocket" to mine, too.

"Hey, Babs," I greeted cheerily.  "Just checkin' out the damage here.  
Fortunately, I brought a lot of spare parts and--"

"Robin?"

"Huh?"

"I got the *strangest* email this morning."

"Ohhh?"

"From Impulse.  First of all, I'm not even going to pretend to want to know 
where he got my email address, but he said, and I quote, 'Tell Rob I managed 
to snitch some of Max's old guy pills, and I think they'll do wonders for 
his sore tushie.'  Is there, uh, something you're not telling me?  Boy 
Wonder?"

And then Batgirl collapsed in a fit of giggles.

"Oh, shut up!"

***

Oracle pretty much left me alone about it.  I mean, that's Babs for you.  
Sweet, polite...  and thank God I wasn't Dick, because if it had happened to 
*him,* he never would have heard the end of it.  Plus, Babs hooked me up 
with plenty of painkillers, and played BattleHamster with me.  And then she 
networked, so we could play BattleHamster with Black Canary, which was 
pretty cool, too.

The next day, however, was...uh... *not cool.*

***

I knocked on the door, and it opened a crack.  After a minute, it was 
opened the rest of the way.

"Good morning, Mrs. Brown," I said cordially.

"Good morning, Alvin," she replied.

"You're looking lovely today.  Is Stephanie at home?"

"She's upstairs, Alvin."

"Thanks, Mrs. Brown!"

Mrs. Brown has this deep-seeded belief that I really am Eddie Haskell, 
reborn.  I do my best to let her going on believing that.

I knocked on Steph's bedroom door.

"Steph?  'Sme!"

And then she flung the door open, and practically bowled me over in a great 
big Steph-hug.  Fortunately, I managed to keep my balance.  Landing on my 
cushy part wasn't such a good option these days.

"Come on in and sit down!" she bubbled.

"Umm... I'd rather stand, if it's all the same to you."

She frowned.  "Is something wrong?"

"Not at all.  Just felt like standing."

"Um... okay."

"So what've you got planned today?"

"Well, Mom's letting me borrow the car (yippee!) so I thought maybe we'd 
drive into the city, and maybe go to the park, and see a movie and--" she 
rattled off half a dozen things.

I scratched my head.  "There's an awful lot of, uh, sitting involved there, 
Steph."

She gave me a strange look (which I suppose I deserved).

"As a matter of fact, there is.  Is that a problem, Boy Wonder?"

"Well, no.  But, y'know, in order to maintain my, uh, great physique, I 
like to, uh, walk as much as possible."

Steph raised one eyebrow, and leaned forward.  "Robin.  Did something 
happen to Perky?"

I winced.  "No, nothing happened to Perky.  I've, um, got a knee injury I 
want to work off, and--"

She was still giving me that look.

"Perky got shot with an arrow.  He went down."

"Awww!  Poor baby!!"

I scratched my head.  "Steph, do you really have to have a name for it?  I 
mean, I don't name your body parts."

"Perky's his name.  I can't help it, I'm sorry.  So who nailed you?  Green 
Arrow?  Arsenal?"

"Arrowette."

"Never heard of her."

"We're in Young Justice together.  Well, we were, she quit."

"Well, she's gonna get it if I ever meet her."

"It was an accident.  Besides, it was mostly Impulse's fault."

"Okay, then he's gonna get it."

"I can live with that."

***

"See, now isn't that better?" Steph cooed.

"I'm having trouble balancing," I replied, squirming slightly.

Steph had suggested we just hang around her house and watch some movies.  
And then provided me with a Ziplock full of ice.

"Maybe it's got too much air in it," Steph suggested.

"I'm... just fine," I said, standing up and placing it exactly where I 
wanted it.

"You should let some of the air out."

"It's just a matter of showing it who's boss," I replied, preparing my 
assault.

"Be careful," she warned, as I sat down on it determinedly.  "You don't 
want to pop it."

POP.

I blinked.  "YOWTCH!  Cold water!  Cold water!"

Steph watched, bemused, as I hopped around the room like a crazed lunatic.

And then something bad happened.

Her mother walked in.

I paused, standing on one foot, water dripping down my legs, and tried 
really hard to look cute and innocent.

"Hello, Mrs. Brown," I said, through gritted teeth.

"Hello, Alvin," she replied, blinking slowly.  "Stephanie?"

"Yes, Mom?"

"I think Alvin needs to go home and change his pants, now."

"Yes, Mom."

***

I spent the rest of the day watching cartoons on the couch.

At home.

On the heating pad.

***

And then came Friday.

The big day.

The day Batman was coming home.

Bruce was sitting in the cave, working away at the computer when I walked 
in.

"Hello, Robin," he greeted.  "How was your week?"

"Bruce, I have something to tell you," I sighed.  "I meant to keep it a 
secret, but frankly, everyone and their sidekick knows by now.  Nightwing, 
Oracle, Batgirl, Spoiler, all of Young Justice...knowing Dick, all of the 
Titans... Alfred knew the moment I walked in the door."  I shook my head.

"Go ahead."

"You're gonna fire me for this.  I know it."

"Go ahead."

"Arrowette nailed me in the ass with an arrow.  I can't sit down, I can't 
bend over, and for the time being, I'm useless as Robin.  So you wanna fire 
me now?"

Bruce silently pulled something out of one of his desk drawers, and turned 
it over in his hands a few times.

"Tim, can I tell you a story?"

"Yeah, I guess," I frowned.

"Once, a long time ago... a very long time ago... I was a young man.  And I 
joined the Justice League of America.  We were all young then.  Kal was 
still trying to get Lois to go out with him...  We could all still talk to 
Arthur with a straight face...  Dinah had that strange Captain and Tenille 
obsession...  And most importantly, no one *ever* heard Oliver Queen say 'I 
don't miss.' "

I blinked.  "You don't mean..."

Batman handed me the object from his desk drawer.  "It's called a hiney 
donut.  It works wonders."

***

The End