Gramercy

by A.j.

Grant me mercy on this night,
The night that will end all nights.
For I have lost, Ne'er to regain,
A love so pure, so true.

Forgive me my sins as the night wanes,
Give me guidance in this time.
For though never remembered,
It is never forgotten.

--From "Gramercy" by Angela Hernandez

Goodbye.

Out of every dialect, language and communication technique in existence, that word has to be the worst. No matter the way in which it is said, it always preceeds change. Something goes away. Someone leaves you, sometimes forever.

I had to do that today. I had to say goodbye. Again.

One thing that really sucks about eternal life? Goodbyes. You never stop making them. You watch as those around you die or go away, leaving you with nothing but the memory. Sure, memories are great. You can carry them around with you and nothing can ever erase them.

That's not the same as having that person in front of you though. You can't go back in your memory and touch them. You can't hug them, or scream at them, or even tell them things you never did. Well, you can, but it's not real.

I want to tell her the truth. I want to tell her I love her. I want to hold her and listen to her laugh and feel her smile. I want to be with her. I want her.

You see, today she was buried. The final goodbye.

Funny thing is, she wasn't killed by supernatural means. She was riding in a limo, on her way home from the airport in L.A. She was coming to visit over her spring break. Back from MIT for a whole month, the conquering heroine returns. The group of us was going to get together and "hang out" like old times. Go to a movie, party at the Bronze, kill a few baddies. Normal stuff. We didn't get that chance.

Some too-tired trucker fell asleep at the wheel, broad-siding the end of the car. Three more feet forward in the seat, and she'd have lived. But she didn't.

Because some over-worked man took one too many no-doze earlier in the evening, she is dead. The world is no longer privileged with her existence. I lost my friend.

This may seem a little sentimental. A 245 year old vampire with a knack for regaining his soul is sitting at a computer, waxing philosophic about a 21 year old victim of random violence. Thing is, no matter how old I am, I will never forget this girl.

She saved me.

I'm not kidding. Without that 5-foot-nothing dynamo, I would either be dead or in Hell. Probably both. She restored my soul. She pulled my ass out of the (literal) fire. Most of all, she gave me her friendship in a time when most would have staked me.

There is one memory that I know I will always keep with me. It happened right when I opened my eyes after being expelled. I was lying naked on the library floor, covered with bruises, scratches, and an un-named scummy stuff. My entire body radiated pain and heat. It took every reserve of energy I had to pry my lids open. I'm still not sure what I expected to see, a devil with a pitchfork, Giles, even Buffy. Instead, above me, eyes shining with joy and peace, she hovered. Willow.

The way she looked at that moment... It soothed me. Just the thought of her, kneeling next to me, gently stroking my forehead, gives me such peace. She was an angel sent to earth. Now she's been recalled. It just didn't occur to me it would be so soon.

Damn. I'm crying again.

I didn't get to go to the funeral. It wasn't a really big surprise. Her parents don't know about me. Well, they know me as Willow's friend, but not as a vampire, so the ceremony was at 2pm. Giles told me it was beautiful. Almost everyone in the graduating class of 1999 showed up to pay their respects. Of course half of them wouldn't have been in the graduating class had it not been for her. They knew that. What's more, they knew her.

Yeah, while she'd been in school, people had ignored her. Well, at least that's what she thought had happened. Truth is, she was very well loved. She may not have noticed it, but she couldn't go five feet down the hall without someone saying hello to her. Whether it was someone she'd tutored or even a random wave, everyone knew who she was, and their lives were brightened and enriched because of her.

Hmph. I guess I'm getting sentimental again.

Giles told me that her parents didn't have a eulogy service. I guess it would have hurt too much to hear all about her. I can understand that. I wouldn't have been able to sit through a list of Willow's virtues without breaking down. How could something so wonderful be lost? By dying she left such a large hole in the lives around her. Instead, they had the Rabbai read something she had written a few years ago. It had been a short essay Willow's junior year English teacher had pulled out the day before.

It had been about us.

Well, 'us' as in me and Willow, but 'us' as in the Slayerettes. Stupid word, only description. The topic of the assignment had been "what is most important to you, and why." Giles gave me a copy of it. She did the prerequisite parent thing. It was sweet, endearing, sincere, and generic. The piece didn't really pick up until it hit the third paragraph. That was about us. She said we were the most important people in her life. Sure, her parents had sired her, but the small group of friends she'd made in High School knew her. They knew her.

I did too.

Everyone remembers her as the shy one. Even Buffy. Well, maybe not Oz, but the rest of the group... yes. She was the quiet, dependable one who was there with a shoulder to cry on and an answer to the meaning of life. I thought of her like that in the beginning too. Just a sweet girl who happened to get carried away in the storm.

Truth was, she knew exactly where she was and what she was doing. No frail girl could have done the things she did. Yeah, Buffy saved the world, but Willow respected it. Willow knew the value of being prepared, and of living in the moment.

Hmph. She took Buffy's credo to heart more than Buffy did. Buffy... Buffy likes to put up a front. A superior attitude to mask her insecurity. She says live for the day, but she actually lives day by day. There is a big difference. Buffy doesn't look forward to the coming morning. She frets and worries about what will happen. Willow loved life.

Willow was the one that dragged out the popcorn and munchies when anyone got bored. Or called one of us when she suspected we were in a bad mood. She had a weird intuition like that. There've been times in the last three years while she was in Boston that she's just called me out of no where. I had needed it too. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.

Survive, yes. Live, not for awhile.

I remember her smile. It lit up the room. Being in her presence was like being outside on a sunny summer day. She gave me light and laughter. I needed that too.

There have been so many times in my life where I have experienced grief. I watched a demon kill my family, destroy my home, take numerous innocent lives, driven people insane.. I was in Hell for four months. If there is one thing in this world I know, it's pain. Right now, I'm striving pretty hard to remember something that felt this.. desolate.

Hmph. Here I go again. "What's he talking about? How can one girl make such a difference?" Well, I don't really know how. She just did. And now she can't.

I miss her. I love her.

She's gone.

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