Five minute version of "In the Shadow Of Two Gunmen", the “West Wing” episode. By A.j.!!! *** Last time on West Wing: PARANOIA ABOUT HATE GROUPS!!! JOSH AS PRINCEMAKER OMFG! SHOOTING!!!! Crowd: AAAAAAAA!!! Shooting! President: AAAA! *tossed in a car* CJ: AAAA! *falls over* Car: *drives away* Gunmen: RAR! *shoots* Secret Service: Er, we don't fucking think so. Gunmen: AAAAA! *dead* Now: Presidential Limo: President: AAAA!!! Daughter! Ron: She's puking. President: AAAA!!! Ron: It's shock. President: Oh. Hrm. Well, that sucked. Ron: *bleeding* True. President: You know, we should probably go to the hospital what with you BLEEDING ON THE SEATS. Ron: Er, no, we need to get you home. President: Or the hospital. *falls over bleeding* Ron: Well. I think I just got my ass fired. BLUE!!!! Limo: *impressive breaking manuever for a 50ft long thing* Back at Rosslyn: CJ: Oww... is my boss dead? Paramedic: Er, dunno. Sam: You okay? CJ: Nothing a few vodka tonics and a week in Bermuda wouldn't cure. Hey, are we out of jobs? Sam: Er, dunno. Gina: ACK! Guys shooting! Boss Dude: Anything else you wanna share? Gina: Not so much, no. Boss: ...right. Toby: Josh? WhereTF are you? Charlie: With Leo? Or not. Toby: Not helpful! Charlie: Er, whatever. Toby: Oh, hey Josh! Hey, why are you sitting on the ground behind a planter? Didn't you notice the bullets spraying the crowd and stuff? Josh: *bleeds* Toby: ...well, that was insensitive of me. DOCTOR!!! Josh: *passes out and bleeds more* CREDITS!!! ER Set: Nurse: I am saucy and black and rock more than the entire cast of ER except for the nekkid Dr. Kovatch. And I shall answer this phone. Hi? Phone: OMFG, THE PRESIDENT IS COMING TO YOUR ER!!!! PAGING DR. ::crossout::Benson::/crossout:: ::crossout::Carter::/crossout:: ROMANO!!!! Nurse: Well, there goes my night. Secret Service: RAAAAR!!!! White House: Hoynes: Look at me attempt to be Presidential and get a photo op in! Ooo, teenage girls ::crossout::wow, this is foreshadowing::/crossout::. Secred Service: Come along. Hoynes *gazing longingly at co-eds*: Wait. Does this mean I get to be President |now?| Abby: ACK!!! Secret Service: It's really not that bad. Abby: ACCCCCCCK!!! Secret Service: Yeah, you're kid's okay too. Limo: *impressive acceleration manuever* Abby: EEEEK! Trauma 3, ER Set: President: Hey, someone should look at Ron's TWISTED AND BLEEDING HAND. Doctor: Yeah, well, you're the President so we're going to patch you up first. President: Interesting, that. No anesthesia! Doctor: You have any |MEDICAL CONDITONS| you wanna tell us about? President: Well, I've been shot. (Sometimes, you just have to stick with the script.) White House: Margaret: Yo, Delores, s'up? Mrs. L: N'much M-Dawg. TV: Hey, guys, the president got shot. Mrs. L: Well, there goes my night. Trauma 3: Zoey: DAD! President: CHILD! Zoey: OMG! President: I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF PAIN! Or chuckle weakly anyway. Zoey: Mom's on her way. President: Mom's gonna be pretty pissed. Zoey: Yeah. Leo: OMFG!!! ::crossout::MY TRUE LOVE::/crossout:: Mr. PRESIDENT! Zoey: I'm gonna go outside to avoid the manlove. President: Hey, anyone die? Leo: No one we care about ::crossout::Except Maybe Josh, but we don't know about that yet.::/crossout:: President: Cool. Hey, I'm gonna BE UNDER, so TAKE CARE OF THAT THING, mkay? Leo: You mean ::crossout::your MS thing::/crossout:: That thing? President: Yeah. Now give us a kiss so I can go night night. Leo: Aww.. *SMOOCHES* Abby: OMG! My baby! Zoey: I'm fine. And dad's kissing Leo, so he's prolly fine too. Abby: And I'm missing the show? Dammit. Leo: Hey, done with the luvvin'. Here's the guy you need to talk to about the thing. Abby: S'up. Doctor: Er. Abby: Hey, guy. Here's a HUGE STATE SECRET that would make you LOTS OF MONEY, but you're under Doctor/Patient privilege about it, so BWAHA. Anesthesiologist: Er. Audience: Hey, we forgot about that. CRAP! Leo: Hey, Gina. We shall make small talk. Gina: Kay. Why? Leo: To kill time until- *AMBULANCE IN THE BACK GROUND* Leo: -that. Josh: *bleeds* All: *freak out* Josh: *bleeds* I shouldn't be at this meeting... Sam: *hero voice* It Will Be Okay Josh: *bleeds* *drifty music of flashback and Josh Lyman joins the dubious brotherhood of MEN WHO FLASH BACK* Flashback #1 - Hoynes' campaign place: Hoynes: SOCIAL SECURITY ::crossout::wow, this is scarily prescient of seven years ago::/crossout:: SUCKS! Josh: *bored sigh* You suck. Hoynes: Because I never take a stand on issues? Josh: Pretty much. Hoynes: But I'm charismatic and hot. Josh: Yeah, but you SUCK. Hoynes: Shut it. Josh: TAKE A STAND! Hoynes: No! Josh: DAMMIT. I am going for a walk. Leo: Hi! Josh: Eeeeek! Leo: Let's go for a walk. Josh: Er... Leo: So, how's your dad? Josh: Acting like ::crossout::a workaholic despite being terribly, evilly, foreshadowingly::/crossout:: ill me. Leo: Is that more foreshadowing? Josh: Er... Leo: Anyway, come join our campaign! Josh: Er... Leo: Come see Jed speak. Josh: Why? Leo: Because I bring the guilt, baby. Josh: ...DAMMIT. New York: Sam: ::lawyers:: Scary Oil people: ::exudes evil:: Sam: ::focuses on paycheck and squirms:: Scary Oil people: ::exudes more evil:: Sam: Er, gonna go. I feel dirty. *leaves* Josh: Hi! Sam: You're here to wreck this terrible, evil life, aren't you? Josh: Kinda. Come work with me! Sam: No, Hoynes sucks. Josh: Yeah. Damn. Sam: I'm getting married! ::crossout::Unless you whisk me away or something.::/crossout:: Josh: Er. ::crossout::But you just said no..?::/crossout:: Sam: If you find someone who sucks less than Hoynes ::crossout::come sweep me off my feet,::/crossout:: come get me. Because my life blows. Josh: Er.. kay! ::/end Flashback:: ER Set: Guy: Hey, the President's gonna be fine! Abby: Neat! What about Josh? Guy: Er... Situation room: People: Hey, who's in charge? Leo: Er, me? People: Er. Hoynes: Hi. Military guys: Him? Hoynes: Hey, who shot the president? Nancy: Some guys. *mentions Bin Laden* And eeeeek? Other scary evil death things going on we're under attack? Leo: Not so much. Nancy: Um, |yeah.| Hoynes: *sits quietly in the corner* All *STARE AND WAIT FOR HIM TO MAKE A DECISION* Audience: *catches the IRONY* Hoynes: Um... do what Leo says. Military guys: *sigh* ER Set: Guy: Hey, everyone go home. This is gonna a REALLY LONG SURGERY for your poor friend Josh. Donna: *walks in* Eeek! Hi! Sorry! All: *STARE* Donna: What's up? CJ: Uh, the President is fine. Donna: YAY! Awesome!!! All: *uncomfortable silence* Donna: Seriously, that's really fuckin' awesome. Wanna hear about my little problems getting here-? Toby: Er. Josh's been ::crossout::blowed up::/crossout:: shot. Donna: *bunny stare at oncoming truck* ... CJ: That was subtle there, Tobus. Toby: Yeah, well, she needs to know that a bullet collapsed his lung and damaged a major artery near his heart! Cuz. Y'know. It's more traumatic for the audience who's rooting for them to screw like bunnies. Donna: ... MY FUTURE PORN STORIES WILL NOW BE MARRED BY UBIQUITOUS MENTIONS OF CHEST SCARS!!! DAMMIT! Pressroom: Press: QUESTIONS!!!! CJ: Er... Danny: Hey, what about that thing that tells us who's in charge!? CJ: Er... Press: QUESTIONS!!!!!! CJ: Er.... Press: Hey, what about the killy people? CJ: ER... Press: DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING!? CJ: Yes, but I don't want to tell you, so fuck off and die. Press: What about the tent? CJ: Okay, you know what? I meant that last statement... CJ: *midfreakout* Danny: So, who is in charge? CJ: Humminawha? Danny: Of the country...? CJ: Honey, I haven't slept in thirty hours and got shot at. You should not be expecting coherence. Danny: But...!? CJ: I NEED COFFEE. Leo: I'm right about the plot! Nancy: No, me! Leo: No, me! Nancy: We're under attack! Leo: So not! Toby: So make the VP attack other people! Leo: Er... Nancy: Yeah, he can't. Toby: And why besides being a total pussy...? Leo: Something about a letter because ::crossout::our country has been overrun by beuracracy and stuff::/crossout:: the shot-up President's signature is needed. But we have ::crossout::Margaret, so it's all good.::/crossout:: CJ: Yeah, Danny's mentioning all this. Toby: I hate my country. Nancy: And we're totally doing this to parallel the Reagan assasination attempt in 1981. But like... SUBTLY. Toby: Kinda failing at the suble though. Communications bullpen: Toby: Hey, someone get me a copy of our laws and stuff so I can know what the fuck is going on. Ginger: *sniff* Toby: Eeek! Um. Hey, Ginger. You look all... leaky. Ginger: *SNIFFLE* Toby: ARG, fine. *hugs* We will never mention this again. Ginger: *SNIFFLE* Yeah, whatever, you big hunk of scruffy hotness. Toby: Right, so go file something. FLASHBACK #2!!!! Bar: Toby: *drinks* Old Lady with a smoker's voice: Bartlet's running for President? Toby: Yeah. Old Lady: Huh. Who knew? Right, whatever. So you're a politician? Toby: Yeah. Old Lady: Are you good at it? Toby: Yeah. Old Lady: Who'd you get elected? Toby: Nobody. Old Lady: Well, you suck. And are drunk. Toby: Yeah, gettin' fired over here. Old Lady: Um, whatever. VFW: Bartlet: *babbles* Toby: *is badgered by some politico-tool* Bartlet: *babbles economics* Josh: *does crossword* Bartlet: *babbles* Toby: *is badgered more* Bartlet: *babbles* Guy: Hey! You fucked us over! Why'd you do that? Bartlet: Because kids should get cheaper milk, even if it's harder for you to buy a new TiVo. Josh: *perks* Guy: ::crossout::But I WANT a new TiVo!::/crossout:: Er. Point. Bartlet: Enjoy the chicken, we'll be here all week! Josh: *fangirls Bartlet like WHOA* ::/end FLASHBACK:: Jed: ACK!!! Josh! WANNA SEE HIM! Abby: NO! JUST SHOT THE HELL UP!!! Jed: *PUPPYEYES* Abby: Aaarg, FINE! FLASHBACK #3: VFW: After Hours Tool: *redundant babble* Jed: I'm paying you people to advise me? Why? Leo: You're not. Bye, all! Toby: Well, that was unsurprising. Leo: Except you. Toby: Okay, that? Surprising. Leo: Now, don't fuck it up. Toby: Eeek? Leo: Okay, fired everyone! Jed: Er.. Leo: Except Toby. Jed: OMG, WHY!? Leo: He lets you be yourself and doesn't try to manage you. And you suck as a politician, you know. So shut up and pay attention to |the person who knows what he's doing!| Jed: BUT! Leo: Dude, you like own this state. Not so much with the REST OF THE COUNTRY. Jed: Why aren't you running for President!? Leo: Because you're smart and rock and ::crossout::look good in jeans::/crossout:: would be a good figurehead? Jed: *blushes* Leo: C'mon. Let's walk into the street lights to set up some nice parallelism, kay? Jed: Yeah, yeah. ::/END FLASHBACK:: *Leo & Jed wander into the lights of the hospital hallway* * Press: OMFG! VIGIL!!! IT'S SO AMAZING EVEN THOUGH THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN IMPORTANT PEOPLE GET SHOT!!!!!! * Sam: *depression* Toby: *depression* CJ: *depression* * CSI Guys: OMG! Look! A broken window! Wonder if the BULLETS shot it out or something... Maybe we should get Sara Gina back here!!! * Travelers stuck in DC: AAAAAAAAA. TRAFFIC JAM FROM HEEEEEEEEELL!!! * Situation Room: WE HAVE A COLORED MAP!! OMG! * Donna: *stares into the void holding hands with Mrs. Landingham* * Josh: *bleeds* Leo and Jed: *stare at Josh bleeding* Jed: OMG!!! GUILT!!!!!! Leo: Uh, dude, you aren't Josh, stoppit. Jed: BLEEDING!!! Leo: Oh, fine. *GUILT!!!* *** Continued in Part Two.